For a long time, this feeling is with you, besides you. It walks with you in every room and every thought you have. It has come close to an obsession.
So because it’s healthier for you, you let it go. You give it up and embrace other thoughts.
And then you feel a nudge on your shoulder: Remember me?
Everyone around you is thrilled with overwhelming joy, because they knew it’s what you wanted all along. Except one person who is asking: was it really what I wanted all along? This is the only though you have, because everything else is frozen.
It is like that because you are in a hallway, just closing the door on the first room and going to enter the next room. And along the corridor you keep wandering: It is really? You know you are likely to enter that next room but it doesn’t feel like it. It’s a certainty for everyone but you.
Because you have waited for too long for that ride? Because you already gave up the idea that you could be one of those people? Or because you can’t rest until it’s sealed and delivered?
And so you wait. It’s a different kind of waiting. You can tell the difference. But it’s still waiting. And all you can do is enjoy this new kind of ride, enjoy it while it lasts, expecting the worst but hoping for the best.
And taking each day at a time. Cause otherwise you will give in to madness. Again, a different kind of madness.